Is it worth it???



I have been filling a file with all kinds of rememberances of Gini..... But just when I am about to start I begin to wonder if it is worth it. It will be good for me and hard at the same time. But will anyone ever read it or care about it. Mom Carlson had years of diaries and right now I dont even know for sure where they are. Sharon and Dave arent crying for them. I have in the trunk out at the farm some few years of diaries from time in Viet Nam. But I doubt if anyone will ever read them. It is just the way it is. I am different. If I only knew more about my parents and grandparents. Thats why I wrote Suland. But who but me cares about the past. the past is over. Everyone is so on the treadmill of the present. So people disappear from their full and interesting lives and it just slips into a black hole without anyone even caring.

So I may start on Gini history and things she did and what she thought etc.... Just maybe one -of children or grandchildren daughter in laws grandaughter in laws will get the motivation.

Like Roger 'Steinkamp's wife lucy, of french exactraction got into it and produccd the Steinkmap geneology and history. It is in the chest in the bedroom at the farm. Also a man I met once who is a Nash did the same for the the Nash ancestory. It also is in that chest...

Just how I feel

Well! Its news year day 2009. I Cant really believe I am still around. Ever since Gini left I just kind of go on from day to day. Emotionally I am closed in what ever that means. I want to say how much I love Geo. She is the perfect companion for me. She doesnt have a manipulative bone in her body. She is just wonderful. I am sure the Lord guided me to her. But I still sort of go around in a emotiojnal fog. When Gini and I were together I (we) didnt really care what was going on for we were a union. The feeling of confidence, happiness was so great. Let the world go on, we were totally content.... Now I miss that feeling. I am getting more and more to feel that way with Geo. But deep down I feel untethered and adrift. What I do or dont do doesnt matter. Gini faced death so wonderfully. She was the most unusual wonderful person. How could God so direct my life that she and I would find each other. Not many months before she so quickly left, I remember holding her in bed and she said you know we know a lot of marriages, but the ones I know about, Just don't have what we have..... We are so luckly....... I never thought that in a short time that would be gone, and this union would be ripped apart.

One of the hard things is that after she left I so needed my children. And they came to my rescue. I lived with Heidi and Tom for 4 months. Then Joel and Mia came to the farm. At the time I thought it would be forever. That was Joel's intention I know. But they were with me at the farm for two years. But then I married and I am sure they (the kids) thought that now Dad is taken care of. Now were can just get on with our lives. Indeed they have their families. Gini and I didnt have a lot of communication with our kids. Months would go by and when Joel was on the phone from Dalat, it would be a huge surprise to hear his voice. So also with Karl. And we didnt hear much very often from Heidi. One time I told Gini that its been 5 weeks or so and not a phone call. I told her I am going to call Heidi and tell her. Mom didnt want me to. Then one day Heidi called and said that she was coming for the afternoon. She came and stayed late and she and mom had a WONDERFUL time together. This was only about a week before Gini died..... But Gini and I were complete in ourselves that we just were happy in ourselves. BUT now it is different....... I still need my kids. As much as Geo and I are a great union.... somehow I need to have a lot of contact with my old family through my kids. But they are in a tight orbid around themselves.... That is is how it should be.... But I feel like I am just lost. Without Geo I would either take my life or become a hermit at the farm.







ENUF for these ramblings.