How can I say this?

When Gini left I left too. Nothing is the same. Nothing matters. There is nothing I want to do. When sh left my ministry seemed to leave too. Once or twice a year I fill in somewhere. So this world means nothing me. As Luther said " let life and kindred go and this life also. I never could say with Paul I desire to leave. But unless I misread myself, I now can say it. This life was and is a vapor. Let eternity swallow this mess here.