just at a loss, not knowing what to say

Well it is late at night. Its over three years since Gini left.... She seems to be so distasnt. But times like this come usually at night. Some how my mind drifts back to the day and the night when so suddenly she just died. This is no reflection on Georgiann. She is so wonderful. I love her so much. She is just the companion I need. I literally live to try and make her happy. But when nights like this jump back at me, I just can't believe Gini really died.... It just happened too quick. People like Gini dont die. She was so unique. She was so much a person like none other. I get this feeling like where is she why is she gone. How can the world go on without her? How can I keep on living. We went through so much together.... a lifetime and now its just over. How can something like just all of a sudden stop. I relied on her. She was the basis of my living. We could go to any country, meet all new people and it didnt matter because she was there. She was like a living foundation to me. Now she is gone and I know she is in heaven, thats a given and somehow we will have new bodies when the ressurection is finalized. I do believe I will see her and know her in the new body and it will be forever..... eternity age without end. BUT we cant be husband and wife..... Oh! what a disappointment..... But that is over. The new is supposed to be so much better.... But from this vantage point.... how can it be better if we are just like brother and sister??? But when I slip into these times its frightning. Its like why go on living without her... But you still have to go on living. Oh at a time like this I wish I could just fall asleep and say goodbye to this life..... Its mostly over anyway.... Gini faced death so bravely. I believe when she asked me in her last words to me just before they carried her on a stretcher to the back of the ambulence and she said to me: " How are you handling this? My answer was well how should I be handling it.... She replied.... Oh everything is going to be alright..... But I know now she really did know that she was going..... She knew to tell Louise Anderson just before they put her into the back of the ambulence...."I worry about Orrel... He is so soft hearted.... Take care of him....
Wow how can I go on living with this in my brain and just popping up from time to time..... I wish I could just stop living...... but there is no place to run I just have to go on living....

I know at first the kids would check in on this blog for anything new..... But I am quite sure they never look at it anymore. So maybe someday they will read it after I am finished up here below.
I wonder if they ever feel like I do.... She was my wife and thats a special relationship... But she was their mother. They are so busy I am sure they never have these kind of breakdowns. In fact I dont think ever did. I used to ask them..... dont you ever feel like I do? I never see it or hear it.
People tell me they had these breaki downs but kept a strong stance so as not to cause me sorrow. But I wish IF they had breakdowns of grief they would have shared it, not hidden it from me because I tend to feel they never really had any grief at least not anything like mine..... Its seems like only me that has these feelings and it makes me FEEL SO ALONE IN THIS WORLD

I want to complete whatever is left of God's plan for me.... I dont want to miss any of it.... But I cant imagine what is still left for me.... I look over my life and I cant see much that I contribruted to the Kingdom.... I was kind of a free loader.... So other than there is a hestitance to face death....other than that why cant it just be over..... I know I want to make Georgiann loved because I do love her very much. The longer I am with her she becomes more precious to me. She loves me so much and I want to love her and make her happy. Oh I hope there is no disappointment by my kids that I remarried. I feel sometimes they think I betrayed their mother. Well.... I just couldnt be alone..... And thats not the only reason I married Georgiann. I found I loved her and wanted to live with her. Its kind of amazing to think that she will be the one goes with me right up to the valley of death. She will do such a good job. Of course I thot and planned that Gini would be with to my last. Who would have ever thot she would leave first. Her grandmother lived to 99 and her mother lived to 97. We always talked about how she outlive me. But in a few hours on a sunday she was gone...... never to be near me in this life the only life we know anything really about. So if I disappointed you guys by remarriage... Please think kindly of me. I understand how you would feel. I couldnt believe I was getting married either. Of course things could never be as it was with mom and I and you all..... I could never expect that. Please dont feel like I somehow lost my love for Gini when I married Georgiann.... I told Geo that if she married me my heart would always be full of Gini but she could have a place in my heart as well. But never has mom been forgotten......I want to keep her memory alive more and more. Thats why I do things to help that. I put on my inital golden ring tht Gini gave me and I will never take it off as long as I live. It was a gift from her and it reminds me daily hourly of her preciousness to me... Well its getting late... and this life must go on... I have cried enough for quite some time.....